Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

How you respond is going to be based on which operating mode you are in.

Have-Do-Be

Excuse me!? I’m not your slave!
- You said you’d buy it and it is not here!
- Can’t you see that I’ve been busy and have been cooking for the last hour so we can have a decent dinner together? Now it’s ruined! If you want to eat something, finish it yourself. I’m not going to listen to your childish behaviour!
- You’re the child. You can’t even remember to buy a pack of beer? Do I need to hold your hand for everything?
- I hate you! By the way, your beer is here in the bag! I hope you choke on it!

Be-Do-Have

- You must have had a tough day!?
- Well, yeah! And now I don’t even have my beer! I can’t even count on you!
- So you’d like to know that you can count on people and they do what was agreed.
- Yes. It would be good to know that if we agree on something, then I don’t have to worry about it anymore.
- So you really want to know that action follow the agreements and you can forget about them.
- Yes, but how can I trust you after this?
- So you’d like to trust that you can really count on your partner?
- Yes.
- Well, I don’t have beer, but I do have a candlelight dinner. It is you favourite. Would that work for you?
- Oh! I guess so. I’m sorry, I had a rough day!
- No worries. You know I love you.

What’s the difference between the two scenarios?

In the first scenario both people operated from the have-do-be mode which makes them want to possess something i.e. beer / loving spouse. When and only when that possession happens, can they do something (drink / have a candlelight dinner) so they can be in a certain way (relaxed / feel loved). Anything that brakes this chain results in the loss of the possibility of the desired state of being that they are after and most likely they are going to be angry and speak in a way that literally makes sure that they will not be able to achieve and enjoy that state of being.

In the second scenario the lady operated in the be-do-have mode where she was already in a state where she felt and thought what she wanted to feel and think (love her partner). From that more resourceful state she acted in a way (being compassionate and practising empathy) that created the desired result without effort (candlelight dinner with a partner).

Obviously the be-do-have operating mode is much more effective, but how do we achieve such state?

Tantra

The practise of Tantra creates triggers that move you into the be-do-have mode. Tantra is pure experience, filled with unconditional loving presence, gentle touch and joy, which are the foundations of a healthy relationship. On our Tantra events you practise the grounded presence and loving-kindness that builds the healthy triggers. So later when you are at home you can on your own trigger yourself into the desired state and be loving with your partner regardless of the external circumstances.

Come to our Love Your Soul Mate events for couples and Meet Your Soul Mate dating events for singles to learn operating in the be-do-have mode and build the healthy triggers that will transform your life.

Check the upcoming events on the right and register!

Looking for a mate isn’t an easy ride. You find an attracting profile on-line; you email, chat, and talk on the phone. And, then you finally meet to experience how it feels to be in the presence of this other person. In the midst of all this, there are the awkward moments, pauses when you don’t know what to say, or how to say it. You really try hard to be likable, and this sets the stage for disappointment later.

The Meet Your Soul Mate evening sets the order straight by providing a safe environment to meet other singles, and practice silent, non-sexual tantra exercises. These exercises allow you to be yourself without pretence. Through the exercises, you immediately feel how to be around the other participants, what their eyes tell you, how they smell, how it feels to touch them, how their touch feels to you, firm, gentle, soft? You get an introduction to his or her soul before your words, construed by the mind, tumble out of your mouth to mess things up.

This practice of tantra is pure experience, filled with unconditional loving presence, gentle touch and joy, which are the foundations of a healthy relationship. When you gaze into the eyes of another human being, a new world opens up, time slows down, and you feel your partner. You allow yourself to be guided by your heart. A respectful gentle touch melts away the walls of your protection, and you become your true self – a brave, loving, feminine or masculine being.

Interestingly, sometimes couples find themselves in the same shoes as singles. Dividing household chores and organizing the kids works like a charm, but knowing what to do with each other when it comes to being intimate is lost somewhere between dirty diapers and dirty dishes. The Love Your Soul Mate evening guides couples to reconnect to intimacy through gazing into each other’s eyes, flowing and moving together in synchronicity, gently touching, and singing mantras together,

If talking and trying isn’t working for you, what does work then? Action with commitment; experiencing what is without denial! Step out of trying to find your soul mate or improving your relationship and commit to joining our Tantra events and experience unconditional loving kindness for yourself.